Larry Lucchino

...and Charles Steinberg, and Dan Shaughnessy, and everyone else involved in Theo Epstein's decision to leave the Red Sox.

Unfortunately, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that these bozos may have done irreparable damage to the Red Sox's chances to remain contenders in the foreseeable future. Theo was that good.

And these schmucks are that stupid.

Blake

Blake is a reader who recently stumbled across an old article I wrote about Lou Brock. Allow me to let Blake express himself. Here is the entire text of his email to me. The lack of punctuation and liberal use of all-caps are Blake's:

"You're a friggin IDIOT I don't know how MORONS like you think that anything you have to say is relevant why don't you sit around another 10 years or so ( or however long it took you to come up with this crap ) and waste more time in your worthless life, because all of you writers spout the most worthless crap that really has absolutely nothing to do with anything LOU BROCK is in the HALL OF FAME live with it you moron . Why don't you spend your time doing something worthwhile and constructive"

I love getting email from my fans, particularly those who call me worthless. All of those missives are precious to me. But when the reader goes above and beyond and re-defines irony by lecturing me on "worthwhile and constructive" pursuits (like sending belligerent, seemingly drunken emails about Lou Brock, from his work email address), that reader deserves my Damn Fool Award.

Well done, Blake. Well done.

Ugueth Urbina

Urbina apparently was involved in a nasty incident in Venezuela that involved herding together a group of workers on his family ranch, hacking at them with machetes, dumping gasoline on them and lighting them on fire, all because he misplaced a firearm and thought one of the workers took it.

Damn fools don't come much bigger than that. No wonder someone kidnapped his mother last year, this guy is a jerk.

Ken Macha

Let me get this straight; Macha was the manager of an up and coming Oakland team that should be good for years. That team offered to keep him around at the rate of about $850,000 per year for the next three years, plus a chance to make $1.2 million in a fourth option year. Despite having no real negotiating leverage because the GM basically thinks the manager is dead weight, a stance that taints Macha's reputation around baseball as well, Macha refused the deal, wanting more money that Billy Beane was almost certain to reject. That scenario panned out, leaving Macha unemployed at a time when the only other managerial job openings are with teams far worse than Oakland's good young core and, in most cases, have even less financial ability to meet his salary demands.

That, my friends, is a damn fool.

(UPDATE - October 19, 2005: Apparently Macha realized his foolishness and crawled back to Billy Beane to accept the offer. Savvy move since it was clear he couldn't get that kind of deal anywhere else, but not enough to remove him from the Honor Roll of Damn Foolery.)

Keith Foulke

I would dearly love to give this week's award to Rob Dibble, as suggested by faithful reader Jack Davis, based upon Dibble's moronic commentary about Chone Figgins being a more valuable player than David Ortiz. Unfortunately, Dibble made his comments on TV, and no one seems to have written them up so I can link to them, so he'll have to settle for honorable mention this week.

The award instead goes to Keith Foulke, whose season is now officially over. With not one, but two, bum knees going into the last off-season, Foulke decided not to do anything but rest them, despite the requests of the team that he get one or both of them scoped. The disastrous results of that decision have affected the Red Sox all season. Their bullpen is still in disarray, and they are now more likely than not to miss the post-season largely because the bullpen has stunk worse than it did back in the days when it was patrolled by Rich Garces after a night of eating homemade refried beans.

Hurt, ineffective, and short-tempered with the fans. Yup, this year was pretty much the trifecta for Foulke.

Jeffrey Flanagan, Round Three

I may have to rename this award in Flanagan's honor. In it's short existence, this is the third time Flanagan has been named, a record. Some fools are just born to greatness.

This week, he made the inane choice of Mike Sweeney as Royals Player of the Year, apparently unaware that David DeJesus is so far ahead of Sweeney that you could just about fit Mark Teahen's production in the gap between them.

And, in the same column, he labeled Emil Brown as "a fourth outfielder anywhere else", meaning that he believes there are 87 other major league outfielders better than Brown. Apparently he is unaware that Brown's OPS is 33rd among all MLB outfielders with at least 350 plate appearances and 13th among AL outfielders on that list.

Research, Jeff, research. Some people in the newspaper business actually find it helpful. Try it sometime.

Rafael Palmeiro

This was a tough one. I could have gone with The Amazing Sosa, who apparently became the biggest millionaire since Howard Hughes to vanish into thin air.

Or I could have gone with David Wells and his never ending mouth.

Or Mark Buehrle's impersonation of Oliver Stone.

But I settled on Palmeiro because I hadn't given him his just ration of crap for the steroids incident, and now his earplugs and subsequent retreat to Texas give me the opportunity to make amends.So here's to you, Raffy. Damn Fools don't come much bigger.

Milton Bradley & Jeff Kent

Hey, multiple winners! I'm sure their moms are proud.

This past week, Bradley and Kent offered themselves up as the new poster children for how to be a bad teammate. First, Kent questioned Bradley's hustle for not scoring from first on a double, despite two key facts:

1. Bradley was already playing hurt, and;
2. The Dodgers won the game.

But since it cost Kent an RBI on the stat sheet, he felt the need to chastise Bradley, despite never having acted as a clubhouse leader before and being assured of having his comments taken as exactly what they were, bitching.

For Bradley's part, he decided to play the race card. What he said may be completely true, but since his manager asked him to let things settle, and since injecting race into any discussion is going to keep things inflamed, I'm thinking Milton could have exercised more prudence.

Kent, of course, then decided to go with the "some of my best friends are black" defense, making him look really guilty.

All in all, a great week for the Dodgers.

Jeffrey Flanagan, Round Two

Ol' Jeff is always good for a moronic tidbit or two, and he certainly delivered on that expectation today. He claims that this year's Royals might be the worst offensive team the franchise has ever fielded. In that speculation, he may turn out to be correct, but not because of the voodoo batting average and steals stats he cited. Remember, this is the man who thought Ken Harvey should be the Royals' regular first baseman, so we're not dealing with an expert in baseball offense.

It's about runs, Jeff, and the Royals are last in the league. Their average of 4.20 runs per game is about 13% worse than the average of other teams in the league. That's bad, but it's not the worst in club history. That dubious honor goes to the 1996 team (15.0%) followed by the 1995 team (14.5%) and the 1992 team (13.6%).

This year's club would be fourth-worst in franchise history, so this could still get worse. (FYI - The math is mine, but the raw stats came from here.) Give them a few weeks, Jeff, and you might finally be right about something.

You just won't understand it.

Gary Sheffield

Just because I can. And because every time he opens his mouth, he sounds like a flaming ass. I especially like the part about him having a bad reputation because the media are mostly white. Yeah, Gary, I'm sure that's it. It has nothing to do with you lying about decking a teammate in Milwaukee, or admittedly dogging it in the field to force a trade, or your admission of steroid use that you want us all to forget, or your veiled threats at the Red Sox pitching staff a couple of weeks ago, and on and on. No, you're just misunderstood by us prejudiced white folks. Just the man trying to keep you down. Again.